Sunday, March 18, 2007

momentary lapse of reason

it only takes a moment in life to decide on most things. one flightful/frightful moment to fall in love (though it takes forever to make that work). one startling moment to decide who you want for a life partner. that may also be the moment you realize you don't want to die alone. one grave moment (or several) to decide on who (all) will not be your life partner. this is not to say that these decisions are flippant. they are normally based on equally grave parameters, such as the presence/absence of a posterior, length of nostril hair, texture of lining in wallet (this also means there's nothing inside), character (pronunciation of the word that is), blah, blah.
but the thing with these moments of realization is that they hit you unawares. i mean, you may never have consciously thought that you had a fetish for posteriors (hypothetically speaking), until you see someone without it and decide this one's not for me. you may never have thought you'd fall for a geek until you met a Geek God, so to speak.
change occurs in a moment when you're least expecting it. you could make a 1000 new year resolutions
(no need to smirk; it's a metaphor) that you'd quit drinking. but it only takes one moment, preceded by some horrible incident, to actually quit it. unexpected, again.
and, of course, there is the kind of slow change that happens with great deliberation. and that's most often for the sake of others. and selfish beings that we are, it is never a force that drives us enough to actually let us change completely. and even if we do, there is the unwieldy baggage of resentment. 'i quit eating animals 25 year ago for your sake.' 'i moved to this dump of a place because i wanted to be with you.' we've heard tons of them. tinged with regret, loaded with finger-pointing, intended to make the other person drown in an ocean of guilt. i wonder if it's ever possible to make a change for another person willingly,
happily, without feeling like a martyr. when you can do that for a person i suppose you love them 'unconditionally'. (but if the other person loved you unconditionally there would be no need for the change in the first place.)
i also wonder, as you probably are, about the direction this post is going in. like my partner once called me when driving, i am directionally challenged. and it looks like it's not just on the road (i'm hoping current/future employers do not read this piece of unsettling truth). meanwhile, i'm gonna go look for some direction. any direction. i'm sure i'll find it. in a moment...


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