exorcism in progress...

i’m just trying to look like i’m doing something sitting at work late night, while my art director is slogging it out right next to me. i’m hoping she can hear frantic typing of the keyboard and think that i’m writing some kickass copy for an accessory leaflet. and now that i have started typing, i suppose it makes sense for me to write about what the hell i’m doing here.

in advertising i mean. i hope you can see my eyes boring into the floor with shame while i say this. i’m almost waiting for the hand of god or someone like that to hold my hand and say, ‘it’s ok. people make mistakes. it takes all kinds to make the world. it’s a dirty job, i know. but someone needs to do it. when your turn comes in hell, i shall put in a good word, so you don’t burn for too long. just long enough to scald you bone deep and remind you till eternity the profession that you so passionately got into.’ ok, the last bit is not making me feel good. and i don’t even know how much truth is there in it. the passion bit i mean. true enough, that’s what made me jump headlong into advertising. also the fact that it seemed like the easiest thing to do. but i don’t know where the passion is anymore. and it’s not anywhere else let me assure you. to be true, the work still hasn’t become a chore. i still give it my best shot. but i’m not that kicked about burning the midnight oil shooting some strange beggar on the road to win an award that no one ever will remember a few months hence. but even that would be better than what i’m doing right now. trying to make leaflet copy out of some technical copy. not even original writing, mind you. now will you feel passion for that? so why is it that i’m doing this rather than watch my one year old play the most charming antics in the world?

the money? yeah, so the bucks have been trickling in. but not enough to match my increasingly expensive lifestyle. and we all know that the rate of inflow is always the same as the rate of outflow. and yeah, i could think of 10 better ways to make money at this point, when i’m almost brain dead. and selling my body isn’t one of them.

the awards? it would be wrong to say i haven’t seen them. but it would be even more wrong to say i have seen them. because hardly anyone ever knows or cares about the ones that i have won. to be honest, i didn’t know about them for a long time myself.
it feels petty to even hanker after them at this point. when i have started believing that the profession itself is unethical. yeah, it took me more than years to figure that one out. and coming from someone with so few ethics, that is saying something.

after thinking over it for about 2 and half seconds, i have come to the conclusion that i am staying put for only one reason. inertia. i have no bone in my body that is self-motivated to go and do something useful. sure i think about it a lot. even talk about it. even though it is to myself. but never, i mean never, have i done anything useful to earn money. sure i have done many things useful, but they never made me any money. and i know that it’s not impossible to do. we all know people who believe in what they’re doing and make a difference and manage to make a living out of it. it may be possible that i can do it some day as well. but not today. not without somebody behind me to shove me into that sea of goodness.

also because there’s something in me that doesn’t want to give up on the big dreams of making it big in the big, bad world of advertising. there. i have said it. there’s something in me that doesn’t die. it’s not hope that some day talent will win. it’s not even hope that some day talent will knock at my door and say ‘i am yours’. it’s the inherent badness that makes people like me chug on for years on depraved years in the profession. it’s taking me time to exorcise the badness that’s deeply entrenched in my system. and then i shall be ready for that dive into the unknown puritan sea.